April 7, 2010

It’s another beautiful day. And I am thinking about how A. likes it when I write. Or at least, he seems to approve. I am so lonely right now, feel so cast aside myself, that I think I am seeking the feeling of collaboration or partnership anywhere. I just want someone to be monitoring me. Someone other than me. Someone to know what’s going on, and to care. Sometimes it seems like all my efforts are so small, especially because I am very alone in them. It’s enough to deflate you a little. I guess that’s why we need all these institutional structures of approval. But those are so empty without real connections, real investment. It’s a strange thing, to feel like I need to keep myself alone, protected, solo, in order to think clearly, to see the trajectory of the authorship of my work and my life, and yet to know that maybe it doesn’t mean anything to anyone.

I screamed this morning, in frustration, the loudest scream I have ever screamed. It was totally uninhibited, I just let it out. It hurt my throat. But what an amazing feeling – it just vibrates your whole body and you know when it’s done and it has all come out of you. I think that was the best part of it – just to know it was all fully out of me and finished – one long complete thorough scream that used all my air.

So now I’m out here, and I feel kinda tired. I don’t think I’m sleeping enough, or properly. There’s no one to put me to bed, and there’s always so much work to do. I’m aware of this tendency of mine and I know I have to combat it, be very ritualistic about letting go and shutting down.

There is one little spot outside my window that always makes waves. There must be something under the water there causing a rift. I can actually hear the waves sometimes, over the buzzing of the fans in the studio. I think I want to video it, and take some audio. Maybe I’ll do that next.

I have to call Eddie on Roosevelt Island. I’ve been putting it off. I don’t know why. I don’t know what I think will go wrong. I’m just scared, or shy. Or lazy. I’m afraid to bring another person into this.